Please do not be rude: Life does not give you choices….?
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At least not the most important choice that is whether we want to live. I do not want to live, but I cannot commit suicide because I hate the notion of cutting any of my body part–which is the most practical method for me–my family, particularly my mom, will be destroyed; and I do not want to be sentenced to hell. I have contemplated a lot about suicide since I started high school–I am now a junior–yet I am only human: I cannot take the final step because my survival instincts kick in. But life is so frigging boring, unfair, hard, competitive, and therefore, highly undesirable. Initially, I used to ask God to grant me super powers or some other major blessing, but then I looked around and far; I realized that every day, abnormal kids–because of malnutrition and genetic defects–are born and left to die in various places on earth. I am no one special to be blessed with divine entitlements when I already have been blessed with a lot compared to many others; but still not sufficiently blessed to always compete with people in my social and economic group. Life seems to have its ups and downs, however, downs tend to be in the majority. I wanted to be special, and I even tried to be. But I only got so far, and despite my efforts, there are countless others better than me. For example, I am only in 80th percentile of highest SAT scorers in my elite, private school despite working through countless practice tests, and I worked out a lot, efficiently, every day, but only made it as a backup Lacrosse player. I hate life, and I know God might be offended by my claim. But I hate it more than anything else. I take cognitive performance and mood alleviating nootropics and other drugs, yet I still hate it. I despise the base tendencies that exist in every human. I hate the fact that a morally perfect individual does not exist because I feel that life is an unconquerable challenge, especially if you try to uphold high moral standards. If I were equipped with better coping capabilities, I would like life, and therefore, God. But God apparently does not need me, nor does he seem to excessively care about humans’ needs. I really want to die and give up because my goals are unachievable and I have lost too much because of either recklessness or lack of God’s support. Hopefully, I will man up in the future, and make the jump.
Do you also feel this way? How do you continue to live on…?
Do not turn to God. Do not to turn towards your parents, or your teacher, or your brother (unless you’re seriously considering suicide then please let them know). Turn towards yourself. Find who you are, what you believe, and what you want out of life. It’s an internal battle. Do what makes you happy. Life is one big game, one big simulation – you cannot control what is around you, but you can control how you react.
Yes, humans are inherently flawed, but it is people like you who recognize this that are the people who can honestly forever change the course of human history. I have faith in you, my friend.
“… but still not sufficiently blessed to always compete with people in my social and economic group. Life seems to have its ups and downs, however, downs tend to be in the majority…”
Hardly reasons for suicide.
Look into buddhism, Christianity sucks!
You’re pretty smart.
I hear you brother. I think I know the answer to your conundrum, and it stems from a saying I heard many years ago, where someone (could have been Mark Twain) said, “I care not for your friendship when you think I am right. It is when you think I am wrong that your friendship means the most to me.”
Take it from God’s perspective. Does your faith in Him, or love for Him, mean anything when he does everything for you, gives you everything you want without effort, makes his presence absolute and infallible, and is basically a giant breast you can suck off for the rest of your life? Where is there genuine faith and love for a God like that?
Sincerely, I believe this world is the tried and true best testing ground. Of course you could opt out at any time, and God wouldn’t think any less of you, just know that He was right, you weren’t able to live up to everything you said you could. Of course, if life was even harder, you wouldn’t have the luxury of all these questions and the opportunity to explore options. I think you know that, so cudos to you.
There’s no challenge in a life filled with super-powers and everything at your disposal. I often wonder just how many prototypes of the world we’ve been through to reach this perfect state. Obviously, you have heaps of room for improvement. Your answers isn’t in drugs or mood enhancers. I personally smoked a lot of pot for many years and while it helped in the short term, over the long term it was only doing me harm. The best highs are in living dangerously, not in ways that might hurt others, but in harmonious ways that teach you to bend like the reed, trust in the nature of the universe.
My personal favourite for a while was after a long smelly night of hard work cleaning disgusting pubs, to grab a few cold beers and a towel in my backpack, stick in hand, and make my through the freezing long grass barefooted through the disused golf-course to the beach which overlooks the most easterly point of the Australian mainland. There’d be a longish trek through unchartered scrub frequented only by the wallabies and the deadly brown snakes, before discovering the paradise of mother ocean at the other side. Especially in winter, but all through the year, the salt water would cleanse me and nourish me, sometimes throw me around and smash me into the sand or other times chill me so much, I would always emerge renewed, better and stronger for it. Sometimes I’d get so drunk and swim out so far, always conscious of the deadly sharks, rips, or even simply exhaustion… but I learned to flow. And that’s the key. Just flow. Trust, embrace, enjoy, enhance. Look for love, create love, be love. There’s nothing you could suffer that a million people haven’t suffered a million times worse. Find your thing. Be creative and invent one thing that no-one has ever thought of before. So you’re not a lacrosse player, take up chess. So you’re not a chess player, take up guitar… get the picture?
Everyone has talents, my friend, and there’s nothing worse than seeing a good talent going to waste. For what it’s worth, when I was at my lowest point in my late teens, and had decided to end it all once and for all, I decided to take one last smoke of the good stuff, jerk off one last time, and then had the knife ready to let the blood flow out for good.. and when it came to it, I just didn’t feel so bad anymore. From that point on, of course nothing has been perfect, but things can only get better. Everyone goes through this at some point.. and you know what? Usually the biggest jerks in life are those who least appreciate the effort it takes to make something of your life. But even they’re put here for a reason. Remember, we need our challenges to prove our worth. I don’t believe any of us are worthless. Embrace life’s challenges. Oh, and remember this to help you out: other people’s opinion of you are none of your business. Just deal with the things that you want to be your business, and ignore ignorance.
You say you don’t want to commit suicide just because of survival instincts, but I don’t think that’s true. Just look at the reasons you give: the fear of pain (less wimpy than it sounds: if you fear pain that means you want to be happy. Most people really on the brink just don’t care at all either way anymore), your family, and your faith (I’m not even going to argue with you about whether God would really send you to hell – if that’s a reason that’s keeping you alive, okay). You also compare yourself to people in worse situations – don’t. You’re in your situation, they’re in theirs, and while you should feel compassion for them don’t feel that you’re less worthy. Your goal is to get through your situation and yes, appreciate what you have, but also don’t be hard on yourself when you have more than others.
AND don’t be hard on yourself when you have less than others. You talk about how you prayed for superpowers, you want to be special, and you can only get so far compared to others. That’s your problem, first of all – that you’re comparing yourself to others.
Now, I’m a freshman in high school, but I think I know a little bit of what you’re talking about. For example, I run track, and I’m decent. If I worked my butt off every day I could be as fast as the faster people. For a long time I resented that, because it felt like I had to work so hard just to be on their level. I wanted running to be something that was easy, winning to be something that was guaranteed. I wanted the same things you’re talking about – “better coping capabilities.” I wanted the ability to run a mile as fast as I wanted and never get tired.
But that’s not what running’s about and that’s not what life’s about. Every time you go out on to the track you give your best, no matter who’s running faster or slower than you, and you have to keep doing it – it’s unfair to expect any less of yourself.
It sounds like you’ve been working yourself very hard…so why are you still not happy? Maybe you need to reexamine what your goals in life are. You talk about how life is unfair, competitive, and hard. There is nothing you can do about that, but you can learn to change your attitude. Try to figure out why you’ve taken on this unconquerable challenge and what you hope to learn from it.
Life is a game that nobody is going to win. You’re right…there is no morally perfect individual. But we do have the power to learn and to love, even if our attempts end in failure. And that’s what you really need to ask yourself: are you striving for a goal simply so you can have it, so you can say you were better than other people? Or are you trying to make yourself a better person, not “better” compared to others but better compared to what you were before? None of us can ever be perfect and you shouldn’t be trying to be perfect anyway. You can’t decide what games to win, but you can decide how you’re going to play and which goals are worth going after, and I’d like to think that’s what counts more in the end.
As for your problems with faith, I’m probably not the best person to come to, but I’d like to think that if you feel God isn’t giving you enough support it’s probably because He wants you to grow from this experience. Earth was not designed to be like heaven – there are going to be many trials and you will probably often feel like you don’t have enough strength for them. But that’s really God’s way of forcing you to grow as a person and of bringing you closer to Him. Welcome it. It’s sort of like when you go through a tough time with a friend and after that your friendship is much deeper.
You’re going to be fine – really. You just need to figure out what you want out of life and go for it, without worrying about what other people are doing. You’re really just being too hard on yourself. Learn from your mistakes and allow yourself to live – that’s what you’re here for after all. To live and to love, to try, no matter if you fail in the end.
really life gives you choices if you don’t want to live no one is making you. you are deciding to accept life as the gift it was meant to be. you can do with your life what you wish as that is your free will. make something wonderful of it, waste it, or give it up. if you really don’t want your life i am sure the military could use another. they are always looking for people and hey maybe what you do will do someone else some good.
i live because every day i am still alive. i have accepted that eventually this will not be so.